You have never touched the fragility of life in the way that I have. I don’t see your understanding in the gratitude of each one of your moments. It feels like life has gotten away from you, or maybe you never felt like you had a grasp on it in the first place.
It’s unfortunate because I can tell that your soul is pure or pure for the sensitivity you show me in those few quiet moments of peace that you allow yourself to have. \
I feel your pain and I don’t think it is masked very well. As well as your wall of arrogance in the sense that intelligence is masking you inner demons. I don’t wish upon you to crash and burn, I just wish that you could see beauty around you. Tell yourself that you did well today.
You talked about the movie called Whiplash. Saying that the teacher of the student drummer would never say his student did a good job because then he would stop trying. But I’m reading up on the synopsis of the movie and it says this”
“..There’s also no question, as the audience watches its hero furiously bang out Fletcher’s perfect tempo, that Andrew’s spirit is broken.
Great art, or at least a great rendition, has been achieved, but at the total cost of Andrew’s humanity” – (The Atlantic).
You are Andrew. This is what hurts me. Your life philosophy is based upon this movie. You are the one with the broken spirit. You don’t even allow yourself enough air to breathe so why would I think there would be enough left over for me?
Your self-deprication is sabotaging your ability to be loved and I don’t think that is a part of you that will change.
Once again, I’m here to tell you that life is far more fragile that you know. At least your facade tells me this. Like a friend of mine said, maybe you’re cramming your life so fully, in such a suffocating manner, so you don’t “off yourself”. You can’t even be proud of yourself for one thing, how could you manage to sit in contemplation with me and grow as a couple?
I hope you never feel the fragility of life as I know it to be, but I hope one day you can take a shred of the energy you put into your work, and put it back into your self-love. I can’t care for you when you fight it, and don’t believe that you deserve care in the first place. It is a sad way to wake up in the morning.
Your despair is only yours to consume you A., I can’t watch a sinking ship go down without it reaching for any life raft.